ASHEVILLE- Do you ever wonder why Texas Roadhouse’s rolls with cinnamon honey butter taste so good?
Well it certainly isn’t the cinnamon or honey according to former Texas Roadhouse mascot armadillo Andy.
According to Andy the secret is in the teardrops of an armadillo.
That is right every side dish of cinnamon honey butter is garnished with exactly one teardrop of an armadillo before being brought to a Texas Roadhouse table near you.
“People constantly order more rolls without even thinking about the pain armadillos go through to bring melted cinnamon honey butter goodness to their fat mouths,” said Andy.
“It is a travesty nobody knows what Texas Roadhouse puts us armadillos through.”
Teardrops of armadillos are collected from a secret factory in Amarillo, Texas according to Andy. In the factory, armadillos are forced to walk over cracked peanut shells collected nightly from Texas Roadhouses across the nation until the pain in the armadillos’ tiny feet causes the armadillo to cry. Then factory workers collect the armadillo tears with an eyedropper.
“People walk over hot coals all the time for some type of Tony Robbins trust walk bullshit,” said Andy.
“But imagine being forced to do that everyday and at the end of the day you don’t get a hug from that caveman Robbins.”
But Andy won’t stand for this armadillo travesty the size of Texas no more. Andy departed his job as company mascot at Texas Roadhouse seven months ago to join an underground network of armadillos freeing fellow dillos from the secret factory in Amarillo.
“Texas Roadhouse didn’t even tell the public about my departure,” said Andy.
“They just replaced me with another armadillo and figured the public wouldn’t know the difference because we all look the same. Sure enough, the public is as racist as Texas Roadhouse thought it was, congratulations humans.”
Andy has smuggled 10 fellow dillos out of the factory and safely into the Asheville area so far. Andy dresses the dillo refugees in brown fur to dupe the factory workers into believing the dillos are in fact groundhogs.
But once the dillo refugees cross the North Carolina state border they immediately dump their groundhog disguise.
“Turns out some people in these parts like groundhog stew,” said Andy.
“We lost one refugee to a hunter in Canton, who wanted to get his wife a groundhog fur coat.”
Andy hopes his story will lead to a government investigation of the factory in Amarillo, but in the meantime he hopes you think twice before stuffing that cinnamon honey butter goodness down your face.