By Sam Spoofinburger, Homeland Security Editor and guest contributor to the Citizen Thymes
WESTERN NORTH CAROLINA – A group of Loafer’s Glory craftsmen were arrested Monday and charged with providing communications equipment to enemy combatants in the Global War on Terror, according to FBI spokesman Wib Gulley.
The men, who were turned in by a local tipster, made and sold gee haw whimmydiddles, carved sticks that whirl when rubbed. The devices have been sold as “innocent toys” to tourists for 50 years, according to Gulley, the former head of the Eric Rudolph Search Team.
“Best we can figure, one of them boys raised up as a gee haw carver got into computer hacking,” said Gulley.
“Then he studied under Robert ‘Aura You Listening’ Moog over at UNCA. Somehow, he combined all that technology and invented a whimmydiddle that emits extremely low frequency, under-the-radar, long-distance, encrypted signals.”
The Loafer’s Glory group was quick to see the market potential for the souped-up whimmydiddles, dubbed wirelessdiddles, according to Gulley.
“A wirelessdiddle weighs about 2 ounces, needs no power source, and can be carved from a couple sticks in about 5 minutes,” said Gulley.
“Yet you can stand in a holler in Western North Carolina and signal Abdul Rahman Yasin under 50 feet of concrete in the Iraqi desert.”
The craftsmen quickly evolved into a cell of communications pirates, making and selling wirelessdiddles for a world market of underground rogues.
“We have good intelligence that says Jimmy Hoffa, Ariel Sharon, DB Cooper, Cat Stevens, and even are Tupac are Loafer’s Glory customers,” said Gulley.
“That’s how they all got away – they were warned by wirelessdiddle.”
As for the cell of Loafers, they have disappeared into Homeland Security custody.
“Can’t tell you where they are,” said Gulley.
“But I can assure you that it’s a place where no carving is allowed.”