GOP lays out July 17-race runoff plan for 11th Congressional District candidates Vance Patterson & Mark Meadows

  • SumoMe


ASHEVILLE- They say an elephant never forgets.


11th Congressional District candidate Mark Meadows

Two GOP candidates are in for an election race runoff for the 11th Congressional District seat they will never forget on July 17th.


NC GOP chair Robin Hayes announced late Sunday the party was abruptly ending voting in the 11th Congressional District race between Republican candidates Mark Meadows and Vance Patterson. The party has instead chosen to force both candidates to run a literal race to decide who will move on to face Democrat Hayden Rogers on the November ballot.


“The election in November is perhaps the most important election in our country’s history,” said Hayes.


“We want Vance and Mark to show how dedicated they are to defeating president Obama and his liberal minion Hayden Rogers.”


The two GOP candidates will run an 11-mile race for the 11th Congressional seat, with a series of obstacles to overcome on their way to the finish line.


11th Congressional District Candidate Vance Patterson

“Eleven miles for the 11th seat,” said Hayes.


“Isn’t that clever? Much better slogan than that hope and change stuff to nowhere.”


The candidates will sprint the first three miles before taking on the first challenge, which involves balancing five King James Bibles on top of their head for the next quarter mile of the race. If the bibles fall the two candidates will have to go back to where they started and try again or donate $500 to Restore Our Future, a pro Romney super Pac.


“Vance and Mark need to know to be a good politician you have to balance your religious beliefs with your campaign donations,” said Hayes.


“If you stray from your religion as a politician you really need to rely on those that donate to your campaign. Money may not buy happiness but it sure can buy you an election.”


After clearing the religion obstacle, the candidates will sprint another three miles until they reach obstacle number two, the brainteaser obstacle. The two candidates will have to list eleven ways to imply President Obama was not born in the US, without explicitly saying he is in fact not a US citizen.


“Being a politician is not about how much brawn you have, you know?” said Hayes.


“Sometimes you have to use your head. Like did you know President Obama favorite pie is not apple? Hmmm doesn’t sound American to me. I mean of course I know he is an American citizen.”


The candidates will sprint another three miles before taking on their second to last obstacle, a barrage of questions from the liberal media.


When in doubt, the answer is always Reagan

“Sometimes the liberal media asks dumb questions like ‘how exactly does cutting taxes or spending create jobs?’ or ‘why don’t you like government healthcare when you yourself as a politician enjoys the benefit of government healthcare?’” said Hayes.


“We want to make sure they give the appropriate response to each, which is always ‘Reagan’ and  ‘Reagan.”


After providing the sufficient response to the liberal media the two candidates will drive a car of their choice for 1.75 miles to the finish line.


“This last obstacle sounds easy, but this is perhaps the toughest obstacle,” said Hayes.


“We really want the candidates to pick a vehicle that reflects the GOP as a party and our views on the environment and what scientists are predicting,” said Hayes.


“You know like a Hummer. Our party likes Hummers.”


The race will be held July 17th at a soon to be disclosed location.


Meadows and Patterson were too busy admiring their canned responses to a Mountain Xpress survey this past week, to comment on the race.

Author: citizenthymes

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