Hippie forgets she hates capitalism while gleefully strolling through Asheville Harris Teeter aisles

  • SumoMe

ASHEVILLE- When Martha Rosenstein used to drum on her Djembe drums it used to mean something. The feminine gods channeled through Rosenstein with every beat screaming to Mother Earth what pain comes from possession, power, and monetization.


But after a recent trip to the new Harris Teeter on Merrimon Avenue, Rosenstein’s Djembe drum sits lifeless in the corner of Rosenstein’s backyard tepee begging to be drummed again by it’s former owner’s capitalist stained hands.


“I don’t know what happened, I guess I got caught up in the excitement of Harris Teeter opening that I just had to go,” said Rosenstein.


“After all with all the buzz this couldn’t just be an ordinary grocery store, could it? Sure enough as I walked through those sliding glass doors I was immediately taken by the spectacle of it all. How does one get tile floors like that so shiny?”


While strolling through the 50,000-square-foot store, Rosenstein found she was struck with a sudden case of consumerism. Stocking her cart with GMO products and processed food, Rosenstein knew what she was doing was wrong but she just couldn’t help herself.


“I knew throwing products in my cart without the organic label was wrong,” said Rosenstein.


“It felt dirty, but then again being dirty felt so damn good. I haven’t felt that way since doing the unthinkable with Bobby Abrams in his 1976 Plymouth Volare station wagon at the drive-in. My mom was ashamed of me then and I’m sure she is shaking her head at me from heaven.”


After walking away with a $114.50 worth of mistakes, Rosenstein immediately returned home to a cold shower to wash away and hopefully forget her recent transgressions.


“I usually only shower twice a week to try to save on water consumption, but this was special circumstance that required drastic action,” said Rosenstein.


Rosenstein has meditated every day since her trip to Harris Teeter, asking Mother Earth for her forgiveness. Rosenstein is also asking Mother Earth to help her understand why she enjoyed consuming those boxes of Twinkies so much.

Author: citizenthymes

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