ASHEVILLE- Mitt Romney’s pants haven’t caught on fire due to lying yet.
But the Romney campaign isn’t taking any chances.
Romney has been issued a special set of fire retardant trousers for when he takes the stage at 5:30 p.m. today at the US Cellular Center. The Secret Service has placed several fire extinguishers around the stage and the Asheville Fire Department has been put on standby.
The fire prevention strategy was put into place after Romney’s debate performance last week, where according to Think Progress, Romney delivered 27 lies in just 38 minutes.
“Well Mitt complained last week that every time he lied his privates got hot and sweaty,” said Eric Fehrnstrom, senior Romney campaign adviser.
“I think Mitt is legitimately concerned if he lies too much that his pants may in fact just catch on fire. But don’t worry Asheville, Mitt will tell you just want you want to here tonight, whether it is true or nor, because those fire retardant pants should get the job done.”
The Walt Disney Company sent Romney the fire retardant pants as a gift after the debate. Romney’s fire retardant pants are the same fire retardant pants Tim Allen as Santa Clause wore in the movie Santa Clause 2.
“That’s right we have Santa Clause on our side,” said Fehrnstrom.
“We were a little skeptical of taking a gift from Santa Clause, a man who stood for socialist ideas by spreading wealth to people that don’t deserve it. But Santa Clause is a big supporter of the coal industry, so we said I guess we can take these pants from a job creator. Mitt has never felt so comfortable lying. I would expect a lie per minute in those pants.”
Joining Romney on stage will be local blind country singer Ronnie Milsap.
“Milsap will really set the stage tonight as he will describe what he sees in Romney and why Romney has a better vision for America than Obama,” said Fehrnstrom.
Romney advisers have been hard at work the last couple of days not only to make sure Romney doesn’t burst into flames tonight, but communicates a clear message that wins over the disenchanted liberal vote in Asheville that is dissatisfied with the last four years under President Obama.
Romney will adorn a tie-dye t-shirt along with Birkenstocks on stage tonight. Romney plans on starting his speech with a 20-minute freestyle session on a bongo and then plans on leading the audience in meditation. Romney will end the speech with what he has in common with Asheville residents. Here is some excerpts of the speech transcript:
Just like you, I too live in a house the size of the Biltmore House
I love the Blue Ridge Parkway. I just love driving my Ferrari 458 Italia on the Parkway.
I love craft beer. I admire every crafter and to think just one day out of the blue they picked up an arts and crafts magazine and decided to make beer crafts.
I love vegans and vegetarians. My chef cooks me a vegan meal every Tuesday.