ASHEVILLE- Checking the mailbox this time of year you should expect political paraphernalia.
But some of the political mailers have left residents shaking in their boots.
“I now vomit every time I open the mail box,” said Jason Kirk, an Asheville resident and unregistered voter.
“I know the political system is a mess, but wow I didn’t realize it took a toll on these people faces. It’s almost like they are battling for the part of Beast in Beauty and the Beast.”
A new Citizen Thymes/Guinness Book of World Records poll reveals 90 percent of Western North Carolina residents find the candidates visually repulsive.
“Sometimes I just wish there was anthrax in my mailbox instead,” said Kirk.
“Isn’t this region supposed to be environmentally conscious, anyways? Quit printing pamphlets, save the trees man and save my fricking corneas.”
The same poll revealed 75 percent of respondents if given the choice of consummating with a local candidate or a thorn thicket, would consummate with the thorn thicket.
Unfortunately, North Carolina law prevents a thorn thicket from running for office. All candidates in North Carolina have to be human. North Carolina law is unclear however on the legality of consummating with a thorn thicket.
Local candidates Nathan Ramsey, Susan Wilson, John Snow, Jim Davis, Rep. Tim Moffitt, and Jane Whilden have spent over a combined $600,000 on political ads mostly attacking their opponents, some including downright lies about their opponents.
“While Rep. Moffitt is flattered 25 percent of Western North Carolina would have sex with him, Mr. Moffitt is a married man,” said a campaign spokesman.
“Mr. Moffitt however will do whatever he can if elected again to keep thorn thickets alive and flourishing. Did you know Jane Whilden once sprayed thorn thickets with Ortho Weed-B-Gone? It is shameless what Whilden did to those innocent thorn thickets.”
Moffitt’s new mailer campaign will be sent out Wednesday featuring Moffitt sporting a crown of thorns as a headband. The mailer will feature the following message, “I will die for your thorns.”