Man hopeful for Mayan apocalypse so he doesn’t have to go to the in-laws for Christmas

  • SumoMe

ASHEVILLE- Let’s just say visiting the in-laws is not on Harold’s bucket list.

 

Harold Finnegan, a 34-year-old South Asheville resident is hopeful the Mayans were right about the world ending on December 21, 2012, so he doesn’t have to go to the in-laws for Christmas again this year.

 

“It’s suppose to be the most wonderful time of the year and instead every year I celebrate Jesus’s birthday in hell,” said Finnegan.

 

“The devil is winning. My wife’s mother is a terrible cook and her dad, oh holly hell her dad. Every year he tells the same story about how the foreigners are ruining this country. The Mayan apocalypse would be a walk in the park compared to another trip to the in-laws for Christmas.”

 

Finnegan has already started developing a survival strategy in case the Mayan apocalypse does not happen.

 

“Oh the first year I went to my in-laws I went in unprepared,” said Finnegan.

 

“Never again, I felt ambushed the first year. I almost didn’t make it out alive. But now I come prepared. Booze of course to ease the pain. Granola bars to eat after pretending to eat my mother-in-law’s Christmas dinner and more booze to survive the annual game of Pictionary.”

 

Finnegan will be celebrating his 10th Christmas with his in-laws this year.

 

“It’s such a milestone,” said Finnegan.

 

“Perhaps we could celebrate by talking about how my career choice as a teacher is not good enough for their daughter for the 10th year in a row.”

 

Finnegan considers himself a Christian, but has been praying to Mayan gods such as Itzamna in recent weeks to increase the likelihood of the apocalypse prediction coming true.  Finnegan also has been praying to Ix Chel, Mayan goddess of childbirth, because he hasn’t got any action from his wife in over a month.

Author: citizenthymes

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