ASHEVILLE- As Evel Knievel the fetus prepares to attempt to float from one side of its mother’s womb to the other via a tiny microscopic motorcycle later on this week, it has two less things to worry about thanks to North Carolina governor Pat McCrory.
McCrory, who went back on his gubernatorial campaign promise to not make any changes to state laws regarding abortion and gave his stamp of approval to SB 353, a motorcycle safety bill that North Carolina House Republicans added abortion restriction language to this past week, ensures Knievel of two things:
A. All those other fetuses driving larger vehicles that has been encroaching on Knievel’s lane and running Knievel off the road in its mom’s womb will have to pay a hefty fine
B. The likelihood of mom getting rid of Knievel dramatically decreased as the new abortion language would virtually ensure the closure of 15 of the 16 abortion clinics in the state of North Carolina.
The Citizen Thymes requested Knievel to comment on McCrory’s willingness to approve SB 353, but since Knievel is a fetus and doesn’t have the ability to feel or formulate thoughts, the Thymes turned to a group who feels more than comfortable speaking for entities that can or can’t speak for themselves, white male republicans.
“Well Knievel really appreciates that North Carolina Republicans would write a bill just for it,” said Tim Hornsby, a registered Republican and Fletcher resident.
“I mean think about it, why else would there be abortion language in a motorcycle safety bill? Knievel also admires House Republicans urgency to protect Knievel by adding the abortion language to the motorcycle safety bill without even taking the time to notify the public first of the changes. House Republicans urgency on this matter is a real comfort to Knievel.”
According to Hornsby, Knievel even applauds, with its unformed fetus hands, McCrory for going back on his gubernatorial campaign promise not to further restrict access to abortion in the state of North Carolina.
“Sure the new language closes 15 of the state’s abortion clinics, but safety first is Knievel’s motto,” said Hornsby.
“That is why Knievel always wears a microscopic motorcycle helmet every time it rides.”
Knievel also believes according to Hornsby, McCrory’s stance on abortion will set him up well with a 2016 presidential run or even a Republican Vice President nomination, because governors Sam Brownback of Kansas and Rick Perry of Texas did so well in the 2012 presidential races with their strong stances on abortion.
But Hornsby says Knievel doesn’t want to be dragged into a political fight, Knievel just appreciates knowing now it can ride free and safe thanks to Governor McCrory.