New Belgium threatens to pull Asheville brewery over, if asked if coming one more damn time

  • SumoMe

ASHEVILLE- Sure the owners of New Belgium ride fancy red cruiser bikes to work every day.


Sure the owners of New Belgium probably end the workday with a nice pint of liquid gold every day.


But even these environmental Fort Collins, Colo. entrepreneurial beer hipsters have their limits when it comes to patience.


New Belgium Asheville General Manager Jay Richardson blew a fat tire yesterday, after being asked for the one thousandth time if New Belgium was indeed still planning on building a brewery in Asheville.


“For God’s sake, yes,” said Richardson.


“You Asheville people are as bad as a little kid on a road trip. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’ If you ask if we are coming one more time, so help me I will pull this brewery over and take away your phone privileges. And then how are you going to tweet brag about being Beer City USA? Huh? Huh? Now do you want that? That’s what I thought.”


Richardson says New Belgium has been asked at least once a day about whether New Belgium still planned on building a second location in Asheville, since announcing they were reducing their expected brewing capacity to just 500,000 barrels of beer and delaying the construction of the Asheville location.


“Building a project like this takes time,” said Richardson.


“The way people are acting around here about delays, you would think a brewery opens up here in Asheville every day. And I think Asheville people are just a tad hypocritical. When was the last time you have been to an Asheville event that began on time? Drink a local beer people and relax.”


Despite not being able to brew a New Belgium beer in Asheville until late 2015, New Belgium super fan and West Asheville resident John Devork still has faith that New Belgium is indeed coming. Devork has been camping outside the New Belgium construction site in the River Arts District since New Belgium announced it was opening a second location in Asheville, in hopes of being the first one to try a New Belgium beer brewed in Asheville.


“Some people stand in lines for phones, I stand in line for beers,” said Devork.


“It’s been a rough summer with all the rain and I think the brownfield toxins are starting to absorb in my skin, but to be the first to try an Asheville brewed Fat Tire will be so worth it. I also read a story once that the yeast in beer can actually pull the toxins out of your bones, so if I continue to drink beer on the campsite I should be fine.”


New Belgium is building its second location in Asheville on top of what is designated as a brownfield, land that is known to contain toxins.


“Seriously, I mean don’t give us a break or anything, because we are cleaning up a dump before building a company that provides the Asheville area with a 140 jobs,” said Richardson.


“The next thing I guess what you people will want from us is to emit pine air fresheners into the atmosphere to cover up the smell of our brewery, which smells like local jobs and money back into the local economy. I know which must smell really bad.”

Author: citizenthymes

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