Nine percent wants city property to be really, really tall Cheesecake Factory

  • SumoMe

ASHEVILLE- A new poll released yesterday shows that nine percent of Asheville residents want a city-owned property across from the Civic Center to be turned into a really, really tall Cheesecake Factory.


“We have been bombarded with that organic local food foo foo for way too long,” said Earl Watkins, a 52-year-old Asheville resident.


“It is time to support a real American company and eat some cheesecake while we are at it. I want to taste the large multinational corporation in every bite of my tuxedo cheesecake. Mmmm, what is that? Is that a hint of corporate strategy I taste in my Reeses Peanut Butter Cheesecake? Oh how beautiful it will be.”


The poll conducted by the PARC PAC revealed the majority of the public favored a park, with 40 percent favoring a park, 38 percent choosing to sell the land to the Catholic Church, 13 percent favoring a hotel, and 9 percent favoring a Cheesecake Factory.


“Oh give me a break, a poll conducted by a park committee favors a park?” says Watkins.


“I don’t have to get out my at home Glenn Beck chalkboard to draw up and conclude poll bias. You know what they say ‘There are facts and then there is the truth and then there are statistics and then there are facts and statistics. ”


Supporters of a Cheesecake Factory believe it would pay homage to the quintessential Asheville job by providing several more of those jobs. Supporters also believe the restaurant chain would be a perfect compromise.


“Catholics love cheesecake, park lovers love cheesecake, people who sleep in hotels love cheesecake, a Cheesecake Factory would be a perfect compromise,” said Watkins.


“And we should build the Cheesecake Factory really, really tall. That way when tourists come and look at it, it just says ‘Hey we’re Asheville. We may disagree at times, but man we really love cheesecake.”


Watkins will be furthering his cause at Tuesday’s City Council meeting by giving away free slices of cheesecake.

Author: citizenthymes

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