ASHEVILLE- Journalists pride themselves in being objective with the facts and reporting the news without bias.
But for one Portland journalist that task was difficult when the story he was writing centered on what was stuck up his own anus.
Martin Cizmar a journalist for Willamette Week wrote a blunt review of Asheville beer and specifically, Highland Brewing Company’s Gaelic Ale.
Here is an excerpt from Cizmar’s review of Gaelic:
An American/Scottish hybrid called Gaelic Ale which kind tasters described as “malty” and “a benchmark of mediocrity” while less-impressed tasters found “powdery” with an “unpleasant aftertaste.”
And Cizmar’s review of Asheville Beer:
If you’re too into beer you might know about this stupid contest called “Beer City USA.” Essentially, a bunch of cubicle monkeys click-click-click on a list of cities purported to be capitals of craft beer. Mostly they vote for the city nearest their home or where they went to college. Portlanders have taken it seriously in the past and won. But now Ashville is now the perennial favorite, probably because there’s not much great beer in town to distract the dudes who vote in these things.
Asheville’s claim to fame? Being colonized by Sierra Nevada and New Belgium. Importing talent is the Tarheel way, after all. “Hell no, boys, we ain’t kin figure to make own beer—let alone an airplane—so let’s git us some Yankees to git ‘er done and we’ll go on a’claimin it fer a century!”
Mighty fine idea, y’all.
So now Ashville, North Carolina, is supposedly the best beer city in the country. This is a town that’s the heart of a metro area of a half-million people. It has 10 breweries. That’d make for a pretty nice neighborhood in Portland—not the best, not the worst, just another neighborhood.
But Cizmar’s coworker Olivia Jones reveals the Beer City USA poll is not what struck a nerve with Cizmar, but instead the bottle of Gaelic Ale shoved up his ass.
“I think it’s hard to be objective about a product you have stuck up your butt,” said Jones.
“I would say that has been a big pain in his behind.”
Jones says Cizmar has put off removing the bottle due to lack of health insurance. Cizmar’s employer the Willamette Week has made multiple accommodations for his medical situation including cutting a hole in his office chair to let the bottle that sticks two inches out of his buttock hang freely.
“All of us at the office try to be supportive as possible of his situation but it is hard not to laugh at his shitty situation,” said Jones.
“Right now we have an office pool going when the bottle will come loose. I personally think poop will build up inside the bottle and it will get heavy and just slip out. I’m betting that will happen sometime next month.”
Cizmar’s blunt way with words landed him in his current predicament. Jones explains Cizmar was lecturing a drunk at the bar on why everyone was stupid except him and then the drunk proceeded to shove the bottle of Gaelic up Cizmar’s behind.
“The drunk was like ‘you’re an asshole man,” said Jones.
“Cizmar was like ‘what did you say?’ The drunk then said, ‘I said you’re an asshole man. Here let me show you.’ The drunk then proceeded to slam Cizmar’s face on the bar, bent him over and shoved the bottle up Cizmar’s asshole. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.”
The Portland Police Department is still searching for the drunk. Cizmar has offered a case of Highland Gaelic Ale as a reward for anyone with information regarding the drunk’s whereabouts.