Report: Life spans shrink for least-educated whites, population impacted remains calm due to inability to read report

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NEW YORK, NY- If books are given away for free in a trailer park will anybody choose to read them?

 

Researchers are guessing no, but the books may be used to balance a coffee table or as an assistive device during a domestic abuse dispute.

 

A new study reveals life expectancy rates among white Americans lacking a high school diploma are dropping sharply. But those same Americans seem unaffected by their early death sentence due to their inability to read the study.

 

“I guess everybody kind of wishes they would die in the middle of their sleep and not be aware of their imminent demise,” said John G. Haaga, head of the Population and Social Process Branch of the National Institute of Aging.

 

“But while their ignorance may be comforting to them that same ignorance could be contributing to their premature death.”

 

Possible explanations for premature death among less-educated whites include prescription drug overdoses, higher rates of smoking, rising obesity, and a lack of health insurance.

 

“For the most part these possible explanations are preventable,” said Haaga.

 

“But every time we try to educate this population about what they can do to live longer they shut down. They call us, ‘hippie liberal elite Obama lovers.’ One of our researchers proposed they should exercise more and they just responded with ‘exercise is gay.’ These people are proud that’s for sure.  I’m not sure what exactly their proud of, but they are definitely proud.”

 

National Institute of Aging new spokesman Keith Stone

But unlike the least-educated’s high school teachers and parents, the National Institute of Aging refuses to give up on them. The National Institute of Aging has recruited the help of Keith Stone spokesman of Keystone Light beer.

 

“We needed a person that looked and talked like them,” said Haaga.

 

“Speak to them at their level. Unfortunately, Larry the Cable Guy’s speaking fee was a little high. But Keith Stone will do just fine. That mullet of his is so persuasive.”

 

Keith Stone will star in National Institute of Aging commercials focused on persuading individuals to give up smoking and exercise.  The first National Institute of Aging commercial is expected to premiere October 13th during the Bank of America 500 NASCAR race on ABC.

Author: citizenthymes

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