Sandusky Defense ‘Hope He Dies Before Verdict’

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ALLENTOWN, PA- Jerry Sandusky’s defense against 52 charges of child-sex abuse is set to begin Today.

 

After eight of his alleged victims testified this past week about how Sandusky sexually assaulted them, Sandusky’s lawyers now only see one clear path to victory.

 

“We’re hoping he dies of natural causes by the time the verdict is handed down,” said Sandusky’s lawyer Joseph Amendola.

 

“He’s 68, so I like our chances. I think that is the only way we can win this case right now.”

 

Sandusky’s defense plans on defending Sandusky by claiming Sandusky suffers from histrionic personality disorder. Histrionic personality disorder was diagnosed for people in the 1950’s, mostly women, who were overly dramatic, extremely sensitive and often provocative. Sandusky’s lawyers hope to use the disorder to explain Sandusky’s behavior towards his alleged victims.

 

But Amendola explains the disorder defense is just a ruse to buy the defense more time.

 

“Nobody is going to buy a disorder that has been taken out of most manuals that lists and defines mental health disorders and is rarely diagnosed,” said Amendola.

 

“But we hope our approach will be so perplexing that it may slow down the prosecution and will give God time to do his justice.”

 

Because its a quicker death sentence than the electric chair

Sandusky’s lawyers in recent weeks have been trying to assist God in his work. The lawyers have been feeding their client the KFC Double Down sandwich (two fried thick and juicy boneless white meat chicken filets, two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese, and Colonel’s sauce) with a Burger King Bacon Sundae to wash the sandwich down for breakfast, lunch, and dinner the last two weeks.

 

“Sometimes God is busy, we are just trying to help him out,” said Amendola.

 

“Besides I think nearly everyone wants to die with the taste of bacon in their mouth.”

 

Sandusky’s lawyers have also recommended their client to take up smoking, blow dry his hair while showering, and consider sleeping with a plastic bag over his head.

 

“We understand our client did a very bad thing,” said Amendola.

 

“We know people want justice, but we don’t think we have to lose a case over it. Think about what a loss will do to the reputation of our practice. If Jerry dies of natural causes everyone wins.”

 

Author: citizenthymes

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