Obama admits to daydreaming about Asheville 12 Bones barbecue during State of the Union address
Feb13

Obama admits to daydreaming about Asheville 12 Bones barbecue during State of the Union address

ASHEVILLE- What is one suppose to do during an applause break but put a big cheese grin on your face and daydream about Asheville barbecue?   At least that was President Barack Obama’s strategy during the State of the Union address last night.   “Applause breaks can sometimes be a downer, especially when you know in the back of your mind the sooner you are done with the speech the more likely you are going to be able to catch the end of the Bulls game,” said Obama.   “But last night’s applause breaks were pretty pleasant. Every time Congress broke into applause I would just focus on Michelle and think mmmm smoked potato salad. Oh lord what about those blueberry chipotle ribs and John Quincy Adams man, don’t get me started on that corn pudding.”   Obama is scheduled to visit Asheville today and give a speech at the Linamar plant in South Asheville to discuss policies outlined in last night’s State of the Union. Obama is also expected to make his day dreaming a reality by putting in an order at 12 Bones Smokehouse.   Obama even used barbecue as driving positive force during last night’s speech when Republicans seemed to be visually perturbed by his comments.   “Yeah Rep. Eric Cantor had a sneer on his face all night, but I’m not even mad,” said Obama.   “Because tomorrow I get ribs in my mouth and bullshit will still be spilling out of his mouth.”   Secret service officials say POTUS has been counting down the hours till barbecue since Monday.   “When North Korea conducted their third nuclear test yesterday, Barack was just like ‘Kim Jong Un looks so depressed all the time. That guy needs some 12 Bones,” said Sam Simms, Secret Service agent.   “Obama even made us double check that we packed the presidential wet naps for this trip.”   Asheville citizens that enjoy sitting in traffic are advised to head to South Asheville today between 11:00 a.m. -1:00 p.m.  to experience the wonders of a presidential traffic...

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North Asheville chef driven market DOUGH grand opening is today!
Feb12

North Asheville chef driven market DOUGH grand opening is today!

  From the press release: February 6, 2013 (Asheville, NC)- The North Asheville neighborhood market celebrates its opening on Tuesday, February 12, with a day of sipping, dipping and tasting! Samples of grocery items and grab-n-go fare Cooking demonstrations in the teaching kitchen Giveaways Exclusive Discounts Official ribbon-cutting at 4pm Live music from 5-7pm The grand opening is free and open to the public during regular business hours, 8am-8pm.   DOUGH is located at 372 Merrimon Avenue. If you haven’t liked DOUGH’s Facebook page already, you should if you are a fan of food porn like me. Here is a small sample:       DOUGH looks beautiful on the inside and I have a feeling it will be here to stay in Asheville for a long...

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Despite winning Culinary SuperBowl, Asheville chefs have no desire to go to Disney Land
Feb06

Despite winning Culinary SuperBowl, Asheville chefs have no desire to go to Disney Land

ASHEVILLE- Chef William Dissen of The Marketplace, Chef Elliot Moss of the Admiral and Chef Michael Moore of Blind Pig, y’all just won the Cast Iron Culinary SuperBowl.   What are you going to do next?   “I don’t know, but we are not going to Disney Land, Bro,” said Moore.   Dissen, Moss, and Moore won the Cast Iron Culinary SuperBowl this past weekend held at the Greenbrier Resort in West Virginia. Usually the Most Valuable Player (MVP) of the winning team in the SuperBowl stars in a Disney Land commercial and gets an all expenses paid trip to Disney Land.   But the Asheville chefs said no thank you.   “No single MVP here, we are all MVPs in my mind,” said Dissen.   A losing team’s chef reportedly vomited after reading Dissen’s comment about the MVP.   However, civility and respect for each other’s work played a small role in the chefs’ decision not to go to Disney Land.   Moss of the Admiral couldn’t go because he apparently has a phobia of humans dressed up as cartoon characters.   “What can I say he is a culinary genius,” said Moore.   “You can’t be that creative and not be a little messed up in the head. Poor Moss will never be able to meet Mickey. It’s a shame.”   Dissen of The Marketplace couldn’t go because he was too busy working on his latest food sustainability project.   “Oh my word, we get it. Dissen likes farm to table,” said Moss.   “Is there a week when he is not in the paper for talking at some event about farm to table.  I told him I didn’t think local food advocates would be hurt if he decided to take a week off and enjoy some amusement rides.”   Finally, Moore couldn’t go because he was too busy perfecting his latest culinary creation for Blind Pig, Rocky Mountain oyster brewed beer infused with bacon and octopus.   “You know how Moore is? He has to use every part of the animal,” said Dissen.   “I think cow ball brewed beer will be a hit for those men, who feel like they need a little boost in testosterone. Bacon is a staple for Moore of course and octopus why the hell not?”   It is safe to say Dissen, Moss, and Moore will not be starring in a Disney commercial any time soon. Las Vegas odds are already favoring Dissen, Moss, and Moore to repeat next year.   UPDATE- The Citizen Thymes has been notified that due to Moss’s phobia of cartoon characters, Admiral diners will no...

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City Council passes food security plan, Asheville mall cop hopes to guard your dinner plate as alternative
Jan23

City Council passes food security plan, Asheville mall cop hopes to guard your dinner plate as alternative

ASHEVILLE- I have always thought when I order a $46 Cowboy Ribeye steak from Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse, that for the price it should probably come with its own security entourage.   Now with all the dialogue about food security in Asheville, I just may get a security entourage for my steak.   The Asheville City Council passed the Food Action Plan 6-0 at last night’s meeting, which includes a focus on food security, food deserts, and local food production when making decisions about development.   However, Asheville mall cop Bert Haney thinks more can be done about food security and he think he is the man that can do it.   “It is time for people to start thinking about the security of their food in their own homes,” said Haney.   “People buy home security systems, they have alarms for their cars, they put their money in a vault, but they disregard the one thing that keeps them going daily, which is the food they put in their stomachs. You ever come home to a half empty Oreo package, but you swore the night before you only ate one or two Oreos out of that freshly opened package? That’s not your mind playing tricks on you. You were robbed my friend.”   Haney is in the process of developing a food security system company called Nobodys Gonna Lay a Finger on My Butterfinger. The company will offer one food cop per household armed with a taser, nightstick, and flashlight to protect all food products within the confines of the home.   “I’ve been trained to shoot a taser from 12 feet away,” said Haney.   “Oh what’s that your husband wants to steal your last fry from your dinner plate, while you are not looking? I don’t think so pal. Boom there I am to taser him from across the dining room table. Enjoy that last, oh so luscious fry Ma’am courtesy of Lieutenant Haney.”   The food security system also trains food cops to divert indirect threats to food security.   For instance, if your neighbor was to come over to ask for a cup of sugar, the food cops have been trained to say, “get your own, this is isn’t some sugar cane field,” and then directs the neighbor to the closest grocery store.   The food cops will even follow you dining out.   “We are there to make sure you never forget your leftovers at the table and to ward off the panhandlers asking for food on your way back to the car,” said Haney.   “Our cops attended an NFL fantasy camp this...

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Vote for Asheville for Southern Living’s The South’s Tastiest Towns
Jan11

Vote for Asheville for Southern Living’s The South’s Tastiest Towns

Southern Living is taking a poll for which city in the South is the tastiest. You can vote for Asheville here.   Get to voting as you can see below Asheville has some tough competition:  ...

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