Journalist covering Asheville Trader Joe’s opening forgets he once dreamed of reporting real news
Sep27

Journalist covering Asheville Trader Joe’s opening forgets he once dreamed of reporting real news

ASHEVILLE- “I did have a clever grocery pun to lead this article with.   But unfortunately I left my grocery pun list at home.”   The above is just one example of what grocery retorts print reporter Jackson Little still has left in his back pocket and there is plenty of grocery retorts left to make as far as he is concerned.   Armed with a tape recorder, a Moleskine notebook, and an unwavering need to report the truth about produce prices, Little has abandoned his college newspaper dream of covering US presidential elections for reporting the news people actually care about.   “Sure the threat of a government shutdown due to infighting in Congress is important to report,” said Little.   “But what would people do with their lives if they didn’t know about Trader Joe’s Two Buck Chuck or Cookie Butter? Can you imagine what it would be like to survive a government shutdown without several cases of cheap wine?”   Little felt quite proud of his recent story about Trader Joe’s that appeared in yesterday’s edition of the Citizen-Times.   “Yesterday’s story was not your ordinary ‘a grocery store is opening’ story,” said Little. “Those types of stories are just one big ad for the grocery store. No I strive for hard-hitting journalism. So I took to Facebook to ask my friends what they thought about Trader Joe’s opening and I included some of their opinions in my story. Let me tell you not all of the comments were positive, but hey I’m just doing my job reporting the truth.”   Little is already thinking of twists for stories when grocery store chains Publix and Fresh Market open up in Asheville as well.   “I’m thinking I’m going to go with how Publix as a company tries to be edgy and dangerous,” said Little.   “Replacing the ‘c’ with a ‘x’ is a pretty hip way to spell your company’s name. That will probably be the first half and then to keep the readers attention I’ll probably throw in some terms like ‘grocery wars’ and leave them with a question like ‘is this the beginning of the end for...

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And the third guest on Finding Asheville is….
Sep26

And the third guest on Finding Asheville is….

The second episode of Finding Asheville will be with Suzy Phillips owner of the Gypsy Queen Cuisine food truck. Watch a teaser below:     Suzy dishes on a whole lot of topics including growing up in war torn Lebanon, her desire to produce and star in her own traveling food show, and what it is like to operate a food truck in Asheville, NC. So be sure to tune back in on September 30 for the full episode.   Remember the easiest way to listen to Finding Asheville each week is by clicking the subscribe button via...

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After taking cleaver to opponents’ head Tomato Jam Cafe Chef Daniel Wright wins WNC Chef’s Mortal Kombat Challenge
Aug27

After taking cleaver to opponents’ head Tomato Jam Cafe Chef Daniel Wright wins WNC Chef’s Mortal Kombat Challenge

ASHEVILLE- A well executed dish is just as much presentation as it is flavor.   So when Chef Daniel Wright of Tomato Jam Café served his opponent’s, Chef Anthony Cerrato of Strada Italino, severed head on a platter to the judges in front of a thousand screaming fans at the Asheville Wine and Food Festival Saturday, it was clear Wright was the undisputed WNC Chef’s Mortal Kombat Challenge champion.   “In all my years of being around food, I have never seen a dish executed quite like that,” said Joe Scully of Chesnut, one of the judges.   “Daniel just yelled really loudly ‘Get over here’ and the next thing I know a meat clever is spinning through the air and strikes Anthony right in the forehead. I must say I’m going to miss Anthony greatly, but Daniel’s knife skills are quite impressive.”   The WNC Chef’s Mortal Kombat Challenge is a tournament culminating at the Asheville Wine and Food Festival starring chefs from all over Western North Carolina region that each round cook to the death until there is one chef left standing.   “In the kitchen it’s all about trusting what you already know,” said Wright.   “So when I saw the cleaver, I just went with my instinct and executed the dish the best I knew how. You win some and you lose some and today I was fortunate enough to execute a dish that worked.”   Moments before his demise Cerrato was wielding some cannoli nunchucks of death filled with cream, but Wright struck Cerrato with the cleaver before Cerrato even had a chance to strike Wright.   “These cooking competitions are rarely about who is the better chef,” said Scully.   “Because of time constraints, usually the chef who thinks better on his feet wins. Is a meat cleaver the most creative way to end your opponent? Probably not, but Wright is still standing and I can’t say I’ve seen a fountain of blood rise from a human’s head like that before. It was so beautiful I almost felt compelled to dip strawberries in it.”   As winner of the WNC Chef’s Mortal Kombat Challenge Wright was awarded $5,000 cash to a charity of his choice. Wright has decided to donate the sum to the Anothy Cerrato Memorial fund.   “Well it was the least I can do, you know after taking the guy’s life,” said Wright.   “I’ve had some tough days in the kitchen, but I always seem to walk away from it a better chef. Anthony today doesn’t get that...

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Former Texas Roadhouse Armadillo mascot Andy admits to smuggling armadillos into Asheville area
Jul24

Former Texas Roadhouse Armadillo mascot Andy admits to smuggling armadillos into Asheville area

ASHEVILLE-  Do you ever wonder why Texas Roadhouse’s rolls with cinnamon honey butter taste so good?   Well it certainly isn’t the cinnamon or honey according to former Texas Roadhouse mascot armadillo Andy.   According to Andy the secret is in the teardrops of an armadillo.   That is right every side dish of cinnamon honey butter is garnished with exactly one teardrop of an armadillo before being brought to a Texas Roadhouse table near you.   “People constantly order more rolls without even thinking about the pain armadillos go through to bring melted cinnamon honey butter goodness to their fat mouths,” said Andy.   “It is a travesty nobody knows what Texas Roadhouse puts us armadillos through.”   Teardrops of armadillos are collected from a secret factory in Amarillo, Texas according to Andy.  In the factory, armadillos are forced to walk over cracked peanut shells collected nightly from Texas Roadhouses across the nation until the pain in the armadillos’ tiny feet causes the armadillo to cry. Then factory workers collect the armadillo tears with an eyedropper.   “People walk over hot coals all the time for some type of Tony Robbins trust walk bullshit,” said Andy.   “But imagine being forced to do that everyday and at the end of the day you don’t get a hug from that caveman Robbins.”   But Andy won’t stand for this armadillo travesty the size of Texas no more. Andy departed his job as company mascot at Texas Roadhouse seven months ago to join an underground network of armadillos freeing fellow dillos from the secret factory in Amarillo.   “Texas Roadhouse didn’t even tell the public about my departure,” said Andy.   “They just replaced me with another armadillo and figured the public wouldn’t know the difference because we all look the same. Sure enough, the public is as racist as Texas Roadhouse thought it was, congratulations humans.”   Andy has smuggled 10 fellow dillos out of the factory and safely into the Asheville area so far. Andy dresses the dillo refugees in brown fur to dupe the factory workers into believing the dillos are in fact groundhogs. But once the dillo refugees cross the North Carolina state border they immediately dump their groundhog disguise.   “Turns out some people in these parts like groundhog stew,” said Andy.   “We lost one refugee to a hunter in Canton, who wanted to get his wife a groundhog fur coat.”   Andy hopes his story will lead to a government investigation of the factory in Amarillo, but in the meantime he hopes you think twice before stuffing that cinnamon honey butter goodness down...

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Behind the Thymes: All Souls Pizza serves a pie that is a mountain of sexy on dough
Jul16

Behind the Thymes: All Souls Pizza serves a pie that is a mountain of sexy on dough

I’ll admit it; I’m a damn commie when it comes to my food preferences.   Very rarely do I enjoy pizza and you will never hear the following words out of my mouth, ‘Man I could really go for a pizza right about now!’ In fact about the only time I resort to pizza is when my drunken prowess’s allows me to dial the delivery guy’s number correctly.   Maybe there are very few people making good pizza that explains my disinterest.   Or my lust for pizza could of been lost after living with three college roommates, who were pizza delivery drivers, combined with living right above a Little Caesers, which lead to a six month diet of nothing but $5 Hot and Nastys and screwed up delivery pizza     But All Souls Pizza may just make me an American yet, because after a recent trip I find myself craving pizza again.   I ordered the Country Ham and Egg pie pictured below (See this is why restaurants hate people taking photos of food because of shitty Instagrammers like myself).   This pie is a mountain of sexy on dough bro.   First, the crust is just the right version of crisp. I don’t understand these pizza places that are serving pizza where the crust is soft in the middle. Do people actually enjoy that? Sure I like to fold my slices, but Christ I don’t need a Droopy Dog pie, where I spend my time eating most of my ingredients on the pan instead of the actual slice.   Second, holy shit I’m such a whore for food with a cooked egg on top. Yeah break that yoke and let it run ever so slowly over the country ham, cheese, and crust and just let Barry White take over the narration of what you are about to experience.     Now I know your inner redneck is screaming, ‘hey I could really go for a side of ranch or Papa John’s garlic sauce for my crust.’ Be quiet Bobby Hill and just dip that crust in the yolk and thank me later.   There are only two pizzas I have had in my lifetime that is better than All Souls Pizza’s Ham and Egg pizza.   The first Graziella’s Italian Restaurant’s Arugula & Parmesan pie in Brooklyn, NY, recommended by the Food Network’s Chopped Host Ted Allen on The Best Thing I Ever Ate.     The second Biga Pizza’s Sicilian pie, with Italian sausage, mascarpone, roasted red peppers, mozzarella, roasted garlic, and olive oil, in Missoula, MT.   The only complaints I foresee about All...

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